I miss you already...

Legally...old

Spending my birthday at home this year was a relief.
I say that because my birthday experiences in Sweden were a bit of a disapointment, so i´ll probably be spending most of my birthdays in Brazil from now on :P
I have always been a big "birthdays fan" and the 16th of June use to be one of the most waited days of the year, followed by Christmas. Well, to be honest, all kinds of celebration have always been a big thing for me.
This year i was quite surprised to see that my birthday didn´t cause me the usual exciment. I was actually quite upset with the idea of really becoming legally, you know, an adult.
After all, turning 18 is what teenagers want the most, but after that excitment is gone comes the 21 to remind you that now it´s too late to wish you were a kid again.
I´ve been having a hard time dealing with this whole "what beeing an adult is all about" thing so i guess it´s only normal that i wouldn´t be so thrilled to be adding another candle to my birthday cake.
But, i had a good time hanging out with my family, playing games and not having to bake my own cake this year so i can´t say turning 21 was the most terrible of experiences.
I also should probably cheer up otherwise it will be quite a challenge turning 30.

The good old days

Not only were i able to start a healing process about my father´s death, i also began to reflect about the importance of discovering who i am by talking about and trying to remember things from my past. I realize now that solving this puzzle is one of the things that will help me achieve a sense of purpose which will allow me to get me some peace of mind and a more fullfilling life.
I spent time finding old pictures and talking about my childhood with my family, and it was such a refreshing activity that i only hope to get more of it.
I intend to start writing a (early) biography and put together a photo album of me along the years.
While it´s not ready i can share some of the precious items i´ve recovered :)

Picking up the pieces

This semester in Brazil allowed me, among other things, to get in touch with things from my past that i very much needed to get in touch with.
I was able to think about, remember and start to really allow myself to feel a part of me that had been asleep for a very long time; since my father passed away 13 years ago.
His name was Marco and he died in a car accident some time before i turned 7.
I can´t really find words to describe the chock and tragedy that his accident brought to me and my family. It has affected us in so many different levels, which i am now trying to figure out.
For many years i didn´t deal with this loss and it caused me inumerous problems, which started becoming a little more clear to me as i got older.
Now i am trying to heal this part of me that has been open for so long, and looking at old pictures and talking about who he was has been a really good start for me.
It made me feel a little bit closer beeing in Brazil on those days of the year that get all of us thinking of him.
May and July.
He would be 40 and probably our pictures together wouldn´t be so different from the one i posted. s2

Tic tac

I´m back after several months of inactivity around here. Feeling ashamed, i must say, or maybe just really using it as an excuse for my lazyness.
I don´t really know where to start when it comes to telling about this last semester i´ve spent in Brazil.
So much has happened and it´s been so long since i last wrote here, so i think i´ll take one thing at a time and post as the ideas come to me.
I really do love writing and keeping diaries, blogs and such but the past few months have been very... intense?
I have been worrying about so many different things that i didn´t really felt like writing about my stay in Brazil, but more like finding a way to get things done so that my mission would be accomplished. I spent (and still do spend) a lot of time planning and making "Don´t forget" lists. I became pretty good at it, actually. Making those lists use to give me this false hope of beeing in control of things and as it could be a concrete proof that things can actually work out. Not that easy, i´ve discovered.
I had so many plans and ideas of things i wanted to do, fix, change, discover and maybe even get around here and they didn´t all happen as i wanted them to, but i can´t say it hasn´t been a great time.
Anyway, i just wanted to post here about Brazil, since this is my last week here. I´m getting ready to leave, once again.


If there´s someone out there; hello! I´ve missed this place!